Jesus (December 25, 0 - ) is literally the son of GOD and a patroit. He was one of the wonders of the world and a living legend until he was killed by liberals after which he remained a living legend. He is the only Messiah even though liberals think Obama is the Messiah.
Early life Edit
Jesus Christ was born in Nazareth, Isreal (are greatest ally) to parents God and Mary Christ. Mary was a virgin because she had been taught abstinence in school and a homemaker, while God was the CEO of Earth. The Christs were smart so they decided to stay in a Holiday Inn Express but the guy at the front desk made them stay in the manger because he was an anti-semitic liberal. Jesus was then born in the manger and stayed there until checkout time the following noon. Jesus was sent to Earth on a mission to break down the great wall between sinners and republicans and make a compromise where we can all be Independent. BOTH sides are bad. And so he wrote the Bible, which taught us that Gods invisible hand will guide the free market. Soon he gained a bunch of followers who saw the light. Houses were left abandoned as they all decided to follow Jesus into the dessert and the promised land which Pharoah didnt think was too great. Pyramids couldnt get finished if he didnt have slaves to do the labor. But thats how the free market works which is why we shouldnt have abolished slavery it wouldve ended anyway. Government interfering with business is WRONG.
Beliefs and Later life, and death, and later life Edit
Jesus was an independant but leaning towerds conservative. He was against abortion and for the flat tax. He was also against the Rabbis who had lost there way and were robbing the temples of art. Emissarys from Rome had infiltrated there ranks and made them all be philistines and burn the art in the Collosseum while feeding Christians to lions because there literally nazis, who have frightening parallels to Obama. Jesus was eventually betrayed by Judas and the Romans executed him for having a difference of opinion (typical liberals). Two days later they couldnt find him in the mausoleum. Jesus had risen from the dead and gone to heaven. Jesus (R - Heaven) was elected the first president of Heaven in a landslide victory over his democrat rival Satan. The NRA rated him A+++++ and the ACLU gave him a 0 because hes a WHITE male Christian. . Although he is retired Jesus still intervenes occasionally and divinely when he thinks he is needed. He helped Ronald Reagan defeat communism because America is NOT red America is red white and blue. He also helped some people win grammies.
It's easier for a Camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into Hell.
God bless America
Love your enemy even as you turn their cities into a GLASS. PARKING. LOT. NOW.
If you don't want to get shot don't break into MY house its pretty simple.
War is Hell (literally) it's not like these soldiers woke up this morning and were like "I wanna kill some civilians"
I am Jesus the son of God doN'T tax me for working hard.
Cultural References Edit
When Elaine turns on the radio in David Puddy's car some guy on the radio says "Jesus"
David Puddy has a Jesus fish on his car